master pimp

its true. i pimped my entire family tonight. including an unsuspecting niece. poor thing thought she was coming to stay in boston for some good old beantown fun. HA! it actually started out that way. we went out for dinner, we had plotted the hit on mike's pastry to be followed up at home by a movie. fun fun fun.

but then we chose the wrong street to walk down on the way home. the one that goes by the church. i noticed that there were people coming in and out of the church, which is fairly strange to see on a wednesday night. a WEDNESDAY NIGHT! oh crap, is ash wednesday. but is it? i had meat for dinner! i can't quite believe it so i ask this older north end woman who was coming out of church - is it ash wednesday? and she says - yeah, you can still go. just go in. i noticed that she really didn't get clobbered with ashes but hey, it happens. so, i look down at my watch and see that its 7 and figure that a mass must be starting and i inform the group of innocents that we're going.

so we're sitting there going through a full mass, thank you very much. bridget is hanging tough for the first half hour but then gets a little restless. and a lot tired. the priest kept referring to the "mass of saint peter's chair" and i'm thinking that this is a little strange but whatever, i guess i never knew that ash wed was also the mass of st peter's chair.

there is another little girl at the mass who is behaving perfectly. and she's dressed to the freaking nines. a dark velvet dress, patent leather shoes, the whole nine yards. i'm busy thinking that some italians sure are crazy about their holy days - at the same time as i'm hoping her whole family (of 12) doesn't notice my kid in her levi's, chuck taylors and football jersey. she and bridget were about the same size but she was talking so i decided that she was older. which is why - of course - she was so well-behaved. mmm hmmm. anyway, this little girl looks over at bridget who is getting a little excited, practically shouting wowwowwow nonstop - um, yeah, we go to church every week - and notices that i am saying "shhh" to her and decides to help and shushes her too. a few times.

so i'm a little annoyed at this point and thinking thoughts that you aren't supposed to think in church. i'm also starting to wonder if this little girl is none other than francesca - of bridget's christening fame. long story short on that one, bridget cried nonstop for the first time ever during the entire christening while francesca didn't make a peep. i really wouldn't have cared except that this was a major undertaking for francesca's family and they had hired a professional photographer and videographer. i cringe at the thought of the tortelli's watching francesca's big day on film to the soundtrack of bridget screaming bloody murder. back to today, finally bridget has had enough. rightfully so. michael takes her out into the entrance to hang until its ash time. at this point, the mother and one of the kid's grandmothers look over at me and smile - its too bad about your kid is the smile i get (in my paranoid and sensitive mind). but then my paranoia is confirmed as the mother's smile and gaze is turned towards her own kid and then to her husband as they share a little "we're so lucky" moment. i can't even begin to explain how pissed off this makes me and i spend the rest of the mass envisioning walking over, getting right in her face and asking how old her daughter is and explaining that bridget is only 17 months old and a VERY good girl. she is TALL for her age people! my location has no effect on my daydream.

anyway, the mass ends. no ashes. strange. okay, they're giving them after its "officially" over. then the priest says something about petitions to st anthony and how you can stay if you want or leave. clarissa and i look at each other - very confused - but we stay because GD it, i am getting my ashes! as i'm sitting there petitioning to st anthony that he help me find my lost mind, i look at the priest and see that he has NO ASHES. neither does the old school widow dressed literally from head to toe in black. i'm sorry but there is no way this is her first mass of the day. that's when it hits me. its not ash wednesday. its st peter's chair day.

now NEXT wednesday, that's ash wednesday. see you then francesca!